Independent, Compassionate, Intellectual and Gay

by Alice Pfeifer

My single greatest frustration with my high school is that, although it is a predominantly liberal school in Washington, DC, National Cathedral School is not the perfect bubble of acceptance that people like to believe. I have struggled with this for the past three years. I came out as gay to myself during my sophomore year. As hard as it was for me to come to terms with who I am, my time was made even harder by my best friend who, at one point, advised me to “stop hanging out with that girl – people think that you’re gay, too.” Since sophomore year, a lot has changed. My friends have grown to accept me completely. Last fall, I gave a homily at our weekly Cathedral service during which I came out to the entire student body and faculty. In it I spoke to the difficulty with which I made the decision to talk, because I still don’t feel comfortable being out with everyone around me here. The response from my school was hopeful. Following my homily, students began to realize that there is a huge difference between acknowledgement and acceptance, and between acceptance and respect.

My classmates respect me and my sexuality. Yet the girls in the other grades struggle to surpass my differences. Yes, I understand that they may argue in favor of gay marriage in politics class and make efforts to use words other than “gay” and “queer” to express themselves. But they also stare when I walk into my Junior Prom with my girlfriend. They get uncomfortable when friends and I joke about dates. What I have found is that the people who have gotten to know me as Alice, regardless of my sexuality, are far more likely to then learn about my sexual orientation, think about it for a moment, and remember that it’s just me.

During senior year, my largest goal has been to help move my school from a surface tolerance to a deeper understanding and respect for the LGBTQ community at NCS. I co-head the Gay and Lesbian Awareness Club with that same friend who, three years ago, advised me to stay away from my girlfriend. We sold rainbow ribbons to put on backpacks and jackets. We had discussions with our brother school to brainstorm events. GALA has been working hard, but we are definitely not there yet.

Where I find the most inspiration for the rest of my life as a lesbian is from my recent experiences with my mother. In the past three years my mom has slowly come to terms with my sexuality. Initially, she didn’t understand how I could know that for sure about myself at age 15. The fact that I was a sexual minority made her uncomfortable and scared for what troubles I may find. In three years, however, she has seen me become the strong, confident, and outgoing daughter that she always hoped for. It just so happens that I’m also gay. While we have had some upsetting conversations about my sexuality, my mom and I have come to a deep understanding that I am still and will always remain Alice, just as she has known me for 17 years. My mom has reached out to friends who have gay children as mentors. She continues to ask honest questions about my sexuality. These efforts mean more to me than she may ever know. She gives me hope for the future because I know that by being myself, people who may believe one thing will, perhaps, give another perspective a chance. By sharing my sexuality with others I add my experiences to the world, to the melting pot of perspectives that people must grapple with.

I would like to work with teenagers who feel like they don’t fit in. With the understanding that I have gained from personal experience, I can reach out to those who struggle through school and help them to accept themselves. One thing that I have been fortunate enough to find at NCS is a mentor for my sexuality. I strive to be that kind of mentor for others, to make the difference to at least one teenager that my mentor has made to me. At Middlebury, I hope to join the Middlebury Open Queer Alliance and get involved in gay and human rights issues around Vermont.

In the past three years I have learned that I can be independent, I can be compassionate, I can be intellectual, and I can be gay.